Seat up

INT. HOUSE DAY
A GRANDDAUGHTER speaks to her GRANDAD


LUCY
Oh it's a really nice place Grandad, really big, there's a room each and a massive living room and kitchen.



GRANDAD
Sounds lovely dear, who are you staying with?



LUCY
There's me, Susie, Peter Kim and Campbell.



GRANDAD
Ho ho ho, living with boys eh? Well not in my day! Ho ho ho.


LUCY
Oh, its quite normal these days


GRANDAD
Oh, i know that petal, I'm not saying it's bad. In many ways it prepares you for what's ahead. We didn't have that. I remember getting into an awful state the first time i moved in with a girl.


LUCY
In what way?

GRANDAD
Well, its was just, well i didn't know how to behave with women in the house. You see it had just been me and your great grand father. Mum wasn't around, god rest her soul.



LUCY
Of course, yes.



GRANDAD
I never knew what to do in the Water closet. I would get into a tiz about the seat, should I leave it down, or leave it up.

LUCY
Oh ho ho, Grandad



GRANDAD
Your laughing, but it really wound me up. If i left it up that would be rude and if I put it down, well, then she would think I'd been for a, well, y'know. It really got to me.



LUCY
Oh grandad you're so silly



GRANDAD
Och, i know, but i just didn't like her knowing ma business, and, ach, ah was young, so ah just cut her throat and fed her to the pigs like dad did with mum when she found that dirty picture.

(Looking at his mug of tea)
There's no sugar in this.