ANNA & KATY on CHANNEL 4

The pair of them have known for a while but today channel 4 announced officially that they have been given a series.  It’s pande-bloody-monium round our house, I can’t think for party poppers popping.

To celebrate – I’ve stuck three of their “explaining women” videos on you tube. Homemade nonsense wot was used in their last Edinburgh show. Hope you like.




Mamma zucchini -- title comparison


This is a rare treat -- got hold of this from a bunch of betas being thrown out. It shows the title from the original zucchini show and the titles form the last, just when Suzi Squash was back in the role after her daughter's accident and the coke bust up. Just shows how much tv changed in those years -- and the perennial nature of the show -- somehow always hanging on despite the back stage dramas.

RICO



INT. CHURCH HALL



RICO
Ladies, ladies. Why so aggressive? Be smile. Loosen up your bodies. Loosen your bodies with Rico. 

Grams Latin music
RICO(CONT'D)
 We dance

ANNA
Sorry?

RICO
Tonight we dance. There is no woman there is no man, there is only one sex! Now dance.

KATY
I’m sorry but no

RICO
Ok. Then we eat. We eat like lovers, lie down.

ANNA
No!

RICO
Then we drink. Let us drink. Drink like lovers. 

ANNA
Stop it you horrible man

KATY
Yes stop it.

RICO
Ok. Then tonight I will leave. With passion.

He goes to leave - Claps his hands and the music stops

RICO (CONT'D) 
You wanna buy a monkey? Lie down. 

ANNA AND KATY
No!

RICO
Ok. Bye bye.

Rico come back on stage holding his stomach

RICO
AAAAAAGGGGGHHH

KATY
What’s wrong Rico?

RICO
Oh I eat too much an drink too much and do too much dancing. Lying down. I  have the stomach ache of a lover.

ANNA
Well you only have yourself to blame

RICO
I can’t hear you. Come lie down beside me. i can only hear you when i am inside you.

ANNA
Go away you horrible little man

RICO
Ok I go. I sold the monkey by the way. I don’t suppose you want all his things. He has three top hats but I wouldn’t let him take them. Monkeys need discipline. And bananas. God I miss him. 

BLEEP BOOP




INT: BEDROOM, LATE NIGHT.

A WOMAN is asleep. The phone goes beside the bed.

WOMAN
Hello? Hello? Who’s there?

All we can hear at the other end is the background noise of a pub and the “beep boop” that pay phones make. She hangs up the phone angrily.

CUT TO:

INT: PUB, NIGHT.

A robot is on the phone looking melancholy. He hangs up the receiver and goes back to the bar where he’s siting. His friend comes over with a pint for himself and a pint of oil for the robot.

MAN
She still not talking to you?

ROBOT
Bleep boop.

SHOTLAND


I often miss Scotland. I miss the air, the space; I miss tap water that doesn’t taste like there’s skin in it.

Yes i had my life threatened there, yes it was unwise to leave my flat after 7pm; there is some causal violence in Glasgow but at least it’s causal.

There is no “casual” violence in London. It’s very much on purpose.

If i go home late on a bus in London, and there’s two guys talking loudly about knives i think ‘I’m going to die,’ If that happened in Glasgow I’d think “I’m hanging out with the guys”.

In Glasgow I saw an old lady stop and pick up a glove she’d found and say “oh dear that’s someone lost a glove.” The only people picking up gloves in London aren’t managing their treatment. I’d never pick up a glove here; it might have a hand it in.

Londoners are in a constant state of barely concealed panic. All they talk about is travel and accommodation. Where are you from and how did you get there. It’s like they’re planning an escape route.

I miss a lot of things, my friends, the nights out, being called “will-yum.”

To fair though London does have the royal festival hall, and my wife, so, you know, swings and roundabouts.



SHORTS


Picture the scene, 1961, Brighton, England. Three homosexual men move in together in a small flat in Tichborne road.  Appropriate to the time their sexual preference was previously no more than a scary suspicion, but behind closed doors the relief, release and joy of a new found shared understanding bubbled over into late evenings of excited chatter. Nothing could better, nothing more essentially good than this new way of life for our three heroes.  It was time for a party to celebrate this new association. 
But – it wasn’t that simple; this was 6 years before decriminalisation - and their land lady had her eyes on them.  They would have to be careful, yes party, but my god, they would have to be careful. And so, round a yellow topped Formica table in their tiny kitchen they worked out the details. Not the only conservative party conference to be held in Brighton, but most likely the only one at which the delegates were wearing shorts.