Open Spot

I did stand up *recently, for the first time in maybe two years and I had forgotten just what a wringer it is. Back when I was a regular, people would often say “I could never do that” , which I would take as a sign of just how brave I was. It occurs to me now, that they might have meant...

“It’s not normal to ask a group of strangers to react to you in a public place. The fact that you do it might reasonably be seen as a sign that a part of you is broken in someway. When I imagine myself doing standup comedy, it flips my stomach, I feel weird, I imagine it like a waking dream, a nightmare of sorts - and then i’m reminded that it’s OK! I would never ever do it, because that part that’s broken in you, isn’t broken in me. I don’t need affirmation from strangers, I look for it in friendships, from family, from lovers - and if I can’t find it there, I look to myself or just do without.

You though, you pin your self worth to the success or failure of every gig you do even when it’s never entirely in your hands. A good or a bad show maybe as much to do with the weather, as it is to do with your performance, and yet you carry on. I get that that’s the stupid mechanism that drives you to get better and I can see the value in good comedy, which is, at it’s best, like magic, Neuro-linguistic Reiki, dream worthy - but it is a dream built on bungaroosh. It frightens me. Be careful that that hole in you doesn’t open up and hurt others. Personally, I wouldn't take that risk. But then what would I know, i’m just a **Shark Plumber.”

*Died on my hole.

**A person that carries out plumbing near sharks.